I've already applied primer to every fake-wood brown surface in the kitchen, and will get some proper paint to do it up with tomorrow. I'll post the results here so you can see the before-and-after pics, but I'm already sure that it's going to look way better.
We also have some mystery plants in the garden. In fact, the only plants I can say I truly recognise are daffodils and flax. I deduce that there's an apple tree because there is a big tree with rotting apples on the ground around its base, and I think the pink flowery thing is a camellia, but that's about it. Can anyone name these for me? (The ones where you can't see grass around them are trees/bushes.)
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Sorry about the poor picture quality - I took them all on my mobile phone. If anything is of particular interest I can go back with a proper camera.
EDIT: After a variety of comments and suggestions from various people, this is what we think the plants might be:
1 – Alchemillia (Lady's Mantle)
2 - Camellia
3 - Magnolia
4 – Cordyline australis (Cabbage Tree)
5 - Pseudopanax laetus 'Five-finger'
6 - variety of Agave
7 – still unknown - I need to get a better photo
8 - euphorbia
Thanks, everyone!